I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.