What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.