I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Cucumbers Anonymous
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?