Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.