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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
find these 10 emoji for no good reason