2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.