They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
even bears disappoint their mothers
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up