8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.