the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]