When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back