[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Pizza is an emotion right?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*