Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
You Might Also Like
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.