When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
☠️☠️☠️
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.