whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.