Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
😅😅😅
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???