All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.