I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A bold strategy
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes