I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.