A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
You Might Also Like
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Easy enough.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*