This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles