Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
scares
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.