Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan