Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.