Love is in the air fryer.
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
i wish we could shoplift online
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes