Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I only treason on days ending in y
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya