Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions