McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
thank god the sign was there
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.