Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
the clam before the storm
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.