WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold