(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
You Might Also Like
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Every haunted house movie: