Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]