cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Sooo many times…..
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.