[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
You Might Also Like
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….