When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR