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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.