Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
<—- homeless romantic
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Social Media and Real life
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’