“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
bears
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.