My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I love art.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“Huge”.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.