It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
sin harder.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
twitter is a journey
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?