There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
This is me
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Noted.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.