It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.