[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
asking santa clause for nudes
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.