I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
This is true.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Storm Tropical Storm
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior