5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
You Might Also Like
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
How software testing works
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.