Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You Might Also Like
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Vodka burrito was a success
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Time for evil
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND