my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?