me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!