I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
john wicks are toilet candles
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.