Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock