kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another